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Absurd
Posted On 07/03/2008 05:47:33 by Schmoo
I don't know what's going on.

I'm not who I am.

Or, who I was.

Who I've always been.

And I KNOW, again, STILL, this is TMI; but I've not investigated the blog spaces yet, and wow, wouldn't THAT be a great intro: Hi. I'm Jules, broken, damaged, freaking out, welcome to my blog.

Yeah, I don't think so.

I'm to the point where my paranoia is such that it's basically (and I mean no hostility): read/don't read/comment/don't comment/kiss my fu.cking lily white/bite me/what-the-fu.ck-ever/I can't care anymore (this will change, it always does).

But the crux of it is, I'm a little more than slightly freaking out. I'm not this person. Or at least I never have been.  It's killing me that I'm...like this, right now.

So fu.cking lost, you know?

And the BITCH of it is, I KNOW I'm doing it to myself. I KNOW it, and I'm worried that I really AM losing whatever was left of my mind.

Seriously: will I EVER get a job again?

I used to work, make money, pay bills, go to school, see my friends periodically, and have, however small, a "life."

Things used to--however marginally--work out for me, essentially. Nothing was ever super-fantastic (except in my head) nor was it ever completely dire (except in my head).

I feel like...I used to exist.

I was always a little damaged and strange, but now I feel like I'm completely broken and beyond repair and I'm in this weird State of Flux (somewhere between The State of Colorado and The State of Wyoming, methinks) and it's just where's my thesaurus weird.

I'm still not quite sure what happened, or how.

Is there warning before one's life gets flushed? I think there was, with me, but there was an apparent break in the Jules-Time-Continuum and I got kinda powerless.

It freaks me out that I'm, well, here. As is, existing.

Because it's just all so fu.cked up, and I'm completely overwhelmed and I can't see ANY way out, and I'm so fu.cked up, and I truly do not know what's going on.

And I really fu.cked up.

But I go on.

Which is weird, too.

And I'm getting REAL DAMN sick of crying, which is NOT so weird, cuz who loves to cry? Makes your face screw up all ugly and your eyes get red and hurty and itchy and your nose runs and the snot runs down the back of your throat (what, that's just ME? get OUT) and it gets all sobby and hard to breathe and you feel like a big pathetic whiney baby (again, maybe that's just me?).

Overall? Not a good thing, but alas, necessary sometimes.

But not ALL the time, know whut Ah mean?


Anywahhh, I DO have that thing where I can block it out, in order to NOT cry all the time or take a butter knife to my wrists, so that's good.

Failure makes you humble.

Sh.it like this? Makes you In. Sane.


Yeah, I know, I need to learn to sleep.

And also to stop blogging sleep deprived (see above, the kissing the of the lilywhite and the biting of the me).

Tell that to my brain. Maybe it will listen to one of YOU; it ignores the fu.ck out of me.

Tags: Life Philosophy Musings



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Viewing 1 - 8 out of 8 Comments

From: Ethrad
07/03/2008 20:59:14
Descriptions of self, with extra detail, in the words of another. I've been in this state of mind before, once of twice. Exisitence is but an illusion of the mind, if such a thing truly exisits to begin with. Life ignores the feck out of everyone, self included.

From: Schmoo
07/03/2008 14:26:40
Thank you so much to everyone. I'm not sure I'm still depressed (but I know for sure I WAS) as much as just overwhelmed. I don't cry ALL the time, after all, and I can still be optimistic a lot of the time, it just catches up with me sometimes and I freak.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice and understanding, and Little I LOVED the story and Pink as soon as my stitches heal I'm getting back into yoga and Mary, I know it has to, eventually, and PHilly you sue the PANTS off those people and thanks Brandi and Eni and I really appreciate it :)


From: Philly
07/03/2008 14:21:48

Awww, Jules. Am I ever in your place.

More than two years ago, I had a pretty good job - pay wasn't brilliant but it was a steady job with a stable employer.

Then I fell ill, first of all it was thought I had something called Congestive Heart Failure, so the doctor I had then insisted I took time off so it could be checked out.

Took the NHS 4 months to tell me that my heart was fine and in that time there was a new line manager where I worked, someone who had no truck with people with long term illnesses, and if he could find a legal way to sack them he would - so guess who was first through the door?

So there I was still sick and without a job, it took till last week and a change of doctors, before I found out what was wrong with me - it now turns out that the COPD may have been caused by my work environment, so I'm looking forward to suing my former employer 

This is what I'm saying, Jules dare to believe in your self, because once you do that, well then, half the battle is over.

Do as I have been doing this past two years, keep breathing everything will change.

Take care.

Phil 

From: n2enigmas
07/03/2008 09:28:23
*HUGS*  insane?  no.       depressed, stressed, anxious?  oh yes.  you're not broken - you can't be broken hun, you're too strong.  but you are being bent, and tested, and from the sound of it-  challenged beyond belief.  we all love you jules - take care of yourself hun!!


From: BrandiLea
07/03/2008 08:45:13
The story that littlered told...is so true. I have never really thought of it that way before, but so true.
Secondly I'm stating the obvious here...you are depressed. I have been there myself.


From: Pinkie
07/03/2008 07:52:09
I understand you better than you probably can believe. I've been there, right there in that pit you're in. This is going to sound trite, but know what pulled me out? Exercise. I started walking. Did 3 miles in an hour every day. I know you have no money, no job, etc, but you are depressed, all the signs are there and exercise if the best cure for depression there is. Anytime you wanna talk, let me know.


From: littlered
07/03/2008 07:47:19

A short story i read:

One small child was visiting his grandparents. He was just four years old. In the night when the grandmother was putting him to sleep, he suddenly started crying and weeping and said, "I want to go home. I am afraid of darkness." But the grandmother said, "I know well that at home also you sleep in the dark; I have never seen a light on. So why are you afraid here?" The boy said, "Yes, that's right - but that is MY darkness." This darkness is completely unknown.

A step into the unknown, all boundaries will be lost, you will feel dizzy, you will feel very afraid and shaken, as if an earthquake has happened, inside of you.  Don't be in a hurry to drop it, just watch it, then one day you will notice, it is not there, it dropped by itself.      

It seems that way for a while,,,,,,,, inside you have a flowering center,  it appears that the flower has died - it never dies,  it goes on flowering.

 

I know this might seem a bit gobbedy gook, I hope it helps!

LOVE AND HUGS



From: reddMary
07/03/2008 07:43:15
Juless, you totally make sense,  I know you won't do anything to harm yourself though  Cliche;  everthing will get better.  Don't know really but hopefully, everything will get better again.


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