It's tough to take.
We all have that one lover who really set us on fire. Maybe even got married. But one way or another, you find yourself single. You try and get your act together, and enjoy being single. It's lonely, but it's ok. At some point, you start dating again. Moving on, since that's all you can do.
You meet someone, things are great. They like you, you like them. Attraction, fun, and getting to know each other. At some point, you become intimate. The sex is good, or great, and you find yourself with a boyfriend or girlfriend. You become vulnerable, you have good times, you get close. You start to feel love for them. They feel the same. Words like "I love you" come forth, and life is good. You have someone to share with, to love, you have intimacy. Then, things get weird. Maybe a fight. Maybe something they said. A red flag.
And before you know it, it is time to end it. Sometimes, it's on good terms. Sometimes, it is on bad terms. Even if the break up is something you wanted, you still feel those tugs on your heartstrings. The breakup is tough, because you put yourself out there, in the most exposed ways, and now it's over. Your love seems wasted maybe, even if you are content to just keep the good memories. It becomes diluted, somehow. They take a part of you with them, the knowledge of you, and the time you gave. You try to tell yourself the love wasn't a failure, even though it didn't last, but it doesn't ring true.
Then, you do it all again. New person. Dating. Attraction. Intimacy. Love. Problem. Breakup.
It may be over a span of months, or years, but it happens. You become less willing to love, less willing to give away parts of yourself. You may even feel like you don't have any parts left to give.
It's not quite like heartbreak. They may not have shook your world. You may not have invested everything, or used words like forever, or "die without you". You may not even use the L word. But you miss them. They become one of those corners in your mind, in your heart. Your heart may not be all broken.
but... heart bend?
Maybe like a paper clip, those bends take their toll. You can never quite bend it back straight. Oh, you are ok, and you are still hopeful. You may have learned some valuable lessons. But it gets tiring. Discouraging. There is always some rejection in there. It leaves you wondering... will you ever find the right one? After so many false starts, things that don't fit, and flat-out losers, is that all there is out there? OR, it leaves you wondering, why does this always happen to me? Do I scare them off? Screw things up? What is wrong with me? Disillusionment and uncertainty may follow...
I have had plenty of 'heart-bend'. It doesn't leave me shattered, but it leaves me sad. The one I was seeing ends up hurt. Then I realize I am hurt too. And I remember, its not the first time. It makes me want to stay alone for a while. The emotional residue is bittersweet, and I can't give myself again, at least for a while. I don't have a problem with relationships; I am quite good with them. But that just seems to make it harder in the end. Harder to keep getting back up on the horse, after so many falls. Hard not to be jaded.
But then, we meet someone new. Attraction, dating, intimacy, problem, etc. It leaves us almost expecting the end from day one. Oh, we try to be optimistic, make the best of things, bring out the best in them, do our best. But we dread the disappointment and the heart-bend that we know may come. Or worse, total heartbreak. And sure enough, after getting involved enough, we can see the end coming. We may not bail right away. But we know we have to. If we stick around longer than we should, as we often do, it just makes that emotional residue that much more awkward. We don't want to settle for less than we require, but we don't want to be alone, and walk away from the investment and intimacy, even if fatally flawed.
It's amazing that relationships fail so often, yet we often go into the next one with gusto and optimism. Same kind of guy or girl. You are much the same. But then it keeps happening. The breakup, the sad feelings, and it seems that it can all intensify the loneliness. The optimism doesn't stay long. Sometimes we start off sad, or even hardened from it all, knowing we simply will not risk it all, and while we may stay and play a while, we know that eventually, playtime will be over. Another corner in our heart, another bend we have to try to get straight.
We keep trying, and hoping. Can't give up. Being alone forever is no good. Sometimes we do give up, and just go for the sex-buddies or whatever, or refuse to get serious. But even then, at the end, it can be difficult. Refusing to feel, but feeling anyway. It leaves you wishing for something that lasts, that you can count on. Searching for a solution- meeting our needs for love, sex, acceptance... unwilling to just stay alone too long... but unwilling to hand over another piece of ourselves, with no result in the end...
except a little more
heart bend.
