Saturday’s Misadventures of the Three Horsemen of the redheaded Division of the ATF

Arrghh! Crash and burn in a big comfy bed and hold on to it because it’s freakin’ spinning! No way am I getting up to be among the cabbages at 11am even to hear the band!

(Are you referring to the veggies or the very strange assortment of characters walking about? Too early for martinis – pass the olives ducky!)

Saturday morning … we need food, or the slight hangover might win.  Bloody hell id I am going to loose that battle! Some sort of all you can eat breakfast type place… perfect for Levi! He’ll make up for what Erin and I don’t eat! 

First remember the freak at the Pub? My face was feeling a wee bit sticky (fly paper to freak’s?)… Levi said the freak must have tried to find me via “his” family on the internet, set off Levi’s Mom because she woke him up at 8am, by calling his cell phone!  UH OH!  Do not mess with the man’s family! Bad, bad idea psycho freak boy!

 Where are we again? Right… what do we call the folks who live here, “East Bumblefuckers.” No, that’s just wrong! “Bumblefuckites”, that must be the Amish section of East Bumblefuck! How about “East Bumblefuckians”, sounds very redneck like doesn’t it? 

So here we are at breakfast, innocent enough right, uh nope! Right back to that blending thing! Hey, I’m not wearing polka dots!!

(You didn’t give up the heels right? You don’t have to wear green to prove you’re Irish so what? We have waited long enough for the rest of this bartender she has not had enough, pour her a double).

 Erin has some sort of Pirate shirt on, subtle enough, it’s black, (her favorite color until they come up with something darker), Levi in Highlander look like yesterday, I just have on a red top and jeans, yes and my heels. 

We are just trying to have breakfast, get rid of headaches and stay out of trouble till we decide when it’s time for trouble!  Spread all over the table are pamphlets for things to do, horseback riding (Oh! Let’s do that! Hence, the 3 horsemen name). Wait, we’ll do that tomorrow… there’s a winery right down the road!  OK, vote – smelly dusty horses or alcohol?  Didn’t take very long for a majority vote!  So the 3 horsemen packed up the papers and tried to look innocent until….. a 60 something year old woman in very bad plaid and polyester (many baby polyesters gave their all for this outfit), asked Levi, “Do you wear underwear under your kilt!?”  Straight faced he said, “No, Ma’am!”  Stunned, she scurried away like a wee brown mouse caught snacking on crumbs by the sudden click of the kitchen light.  I think coffee came out of Erin’s nose! Better then wine… that would have been a waste!

Ahhh… the UAV awaits the 3 horsemen… it’s off to the winery to make sure we are feeling our best to face the cabbages!! 

Daniel Winery, Daniel wasn’t there, but they still were having wine tasting and setting up for a wedding.  Ok, the win, not exactly the Caliber of Amarone or Sangiovese but it was West Virginia. The blackberry wine was fun and a few whites, so was the port, so I bought some, OK a case or more, just so we didn’t get thirsty!!  But hey, we were going back to the cows and cabbages!  The buzz was on…. So we are off to the rodeo! No wait, state fair, bloody hell I’m confused! 

(If you’re confused, where does that put the rest of us? I hope the drinks and olives are in abundance elsewhere! It’s passed noon, right? Pass the olives for Christ sakes!)

Back to East Bumblefuck, the state fair, hold on to your skivvies!  Pink cowboy hats, some with SEQUINS and feathers (those are the church going ones I’m assuming)! Bloody hell, I shiznit. you not! Just so bizarre! 

After the first round of music, Brad was kind enough to let us partake of some of the stash of beer. But that needed to be supplemented! Either go all the way back to the UAV or… bloody hell, there is a wine seller in the building next to the tent! We’ll just get MORE! BRILLIANT! 

Levi with his hand dandy knife (OK, one of the many), tucked in behind the trailer, (as much as that man can “tuck”) pushed in that cork and poured the wine into a Pepsi cup! “SAY NOTHING! ACT CASUAL!”  Ahh! Erin & I sitting in the grass, watching men in kilts and drinking heavily! Ain’t’ life grand!!? 

Between Mother Grove’s sets there was a band that was beyond comprehension! I will post pictures because they defy definition! Referring to previous post, Brad said it best, “it’s like Vegas for Ned Flanders!: I you don’t get it, Google it! But you missed the boat then on this one! The lead singer looked like an alien from outer space sent down to make gay men laugh! 

OK, so Erin and I tell everyone about the Pub! Cheers and Hoorahs all around for Erin for finding a place to go meet up afterwards. Nothing that girl can’t do on a computer! That’s my little geek!

(Oh no, I see what’s coming up!  You are having way too much fun and way too much alcohol or not enough alcohol yet!? Wonder where you are gonna hide the bodies later? Oh wait, Erin is a NY’er, never mind! My olives are drying out down here buddy, keep pouring)!

Ok so, there is a women in the front watching this group completely enthralled, bloody hell! She’s got a helmet of hair sprayed heavily with bangs teased way up high. She’s wearing a bulky “polyester” (they grow these wee polyesters here, some even had blue ribbons on them next to the cabbages) something with shoulder pads and a ton of makeup. When she smiled the edges seemed to crack, apparently no one told this woman it was 2008 or she just didn’t give a damn! 

Off to the Pub…  the “Table of Trouble” was there before us.  We came in the middle of John telling a story about his son discoveries and something about yelling “big horse”, maybe it’s a good thing we missed the beginning!

 Levi kept a watch for the psycho freak flower boy to show up again so he could snap his neck! We really didn’t want to have to bail his kilt wearing arse out of jail! 

The girls were getting up to go to the Ladies room when I was asked why do we go to the bathroom together.  OK, listen I’m going to give you men a clue… Are we plotting? 

Well, gentlemen (some of you are) the answer is YES!  We should not be left alone to out own devices! We are very, very dangerous! How did this start? Did we (early societies) leave the campfires to go find the nearest tree together? YES, I believe they did! That’s why all the cavemen are seen in early paintings scratching their heads. They are wondering what is taking so long. We are complex.  Your whole lives have been decided in the women’s room, my dears! So be afraid, be very afraid when we leave together!  The women’s room is like a Wall Street trading exchange floor where the most valuable commodities in the world “information” gets traded back and forth.  Face it; some of you are just going to be toast! Burnt toast! 

The place, “The Irish Pub” (Remember that far back?) was beginning to look like the bar scene from Star Wars!  All we were missing was Harrison Ford! 

The Cast of Characters

A few of the background extras

 Our Waitress: Moaning Myrtle, right out of the Harry Potter movie, was walking around in her socks because her shoes were too big and she gave them AWAY! I swear I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried!

 Power Ranger Kid: A wee kid on a scooter! Yes a scooter in the bar! NO I didn’t imagine it!  Everyone saw him too! Go ahead, ask them! I’ll wait!! He was going back and forth though the length of the bar. Then there was his wee sister who ran up to the bar at full speed then lay right across it! Oh yeah, she’ll end up on Girls Gone Wild in a few years!

 Pompous NY’er: No not ERIN! A guy at the bar that heard Erin was a fellow NY’er and tried to hit on her… until he saw Levi and realized he valued his life much more then a redhead! Levi was waiting to thump him!

 Main Cast

The 3 Horsemen of the ATF: (take a bow) you met us earlier… we need no introduction! 

Mother Grove: Kilt Rock band (Hey aren’t they the reason you ended up in East Bumblefuck in the first place? Should we thank them or plot our revenge now?)         

            Laura: Incredible fiddler and voice! First time I got to really see her with her hair down and giggling a lot!! Wearing a pretty blouse, one that all the men (and some women) were praying was going to shift the wrong (or right) way! It almost did at the Pub! Go Laura! Go Laura!

            Jim: Bass player extraordinaire! He’s not as quiet as you think!  Another man in a kilt! Wonderful laugh when he’s relaxed and oh boy was he! What was more interesting was the smirk!  Yeah, yeah we could read into that one Jim! 

            Ron: Dynamic drummer and percussionist!  His innocent cute smile is anything but! Don’t ever push him to find out what is under his kilt unless you have a blue ribbon with you! Like a wee onion, he has many layers to him! Ron, you crack me up! 

John: Insane bag piper, player of penny whistles and philosopher (he thinks)! No John, I can not teach you Gaelic in one night! He is living proof that alcohol increases lung capacity.

Brad: Arrogant, Self centered… so of course he’s the energetic guitarist and lead vocalist, writer (‘nuff said?) Dear Brad is a special kind of “rock star” (but we love ya!) Life would be quite boring if it weren’t for the Brad types out there! Never a dull moment! Amazingly talented!  So much going on in that mind you my not want to visit it for too long, you might get lost in Wonderland!  Don’t eat the mushroom, Alice! Trust me!

             Merch Wench: Our sweet Diane who tried to keep this crew of misfit toys from hurting ourselves (or others)!  Loyal to the end, she hurried out to the van to get CD’s to sell, then bounced around the bar pimping the band!  Go Diane! Go!

OK… so add up the hours, you can only imagine how much alcohol has been consumed. Brad is now bitching up a storm about “needing” to play. Levi says, “Got it covered, Lynn already knows the owner!”  

(Huh? Oh right, last night, more olives please).

Strange looks, Erin says, “You think my Mom can go to a new Pub and not know everyone by the first night?!”

I asked Patrick, the owner, if the band could play for a wee bit,. He asked, “Are you their Ambassador?” I said “sort of, please trust me, come over and talk to them.”  (Wondering how I can back peddle if they sound too drunk) Hey, I may never see these people again! So as they set this into play, I warned Brad, You embarrass me; I’ll skin you alive as example for the rest!! 

Finally….the magic started…as drunk as most of them were, the music was still magic. The folks in the bar were texting and calling friends as fast as their wee fingers would allow!! It was incredible, Patrick couldn’t thank me enough as the place continued to fill up! It was rocking daft in there! Ok, Brad, you’re safe, you didn’t embarrass me! Mother Grove invades East Bumblefuck news at 11….. 

John pulls up close on one side confiding in Levi that he knows where to find matter with negative energy density that they could team up and sell to scientists to make time machines with, while Brad was on the other side yelling at Levi for playing his spoons too close too Levi’s “man parts”, and both were being VERY loud about it. You know that Stage whisper thing!

Sigmund Freud would have had wet dreams over the sources of unconscious desires he could have taken from this group! 

Ok, Brad just have another drink! Now John is outside for 30 minutes talking to the white bearded Ol’ tosser about Goddess only knows what! Frankly I don’t think SHE even wants to know what you were up too!  Hey who won that bet on if they were gonna start making out anyway!? Poor ol’ tosser, wonder if his ears are ok? 

My UAV (remember my urban assault vehicle) is not really made for 5 people but we had no choice because the back is full of food, cooler and a case 1/2 of wine. To this, we had to add a guitar and bagpipes!?

(Wine, you had more wine with you? I can already see a problem with the scene, fer chrissake we are out of olives!)

Bloody hell….Levi is driving, Erin is in the front seat, Brad behind Levi, I’m stuck in the middle, John on my right still spitting out philosophical nonsense. Off we go….Erin decides she wants something to eat from the back. Another bloody hell! Someone says (BRAD!) while your back there, open some wine! Back there, all I did was try to turn around while wedged between those two and rummage under massive amounts of stuff to get to food and wine (whine). Ok…first bottle, second bottle, third bottle… fourth bottle ended all over the side of the UAV and Erin because the cork popped in as we hit a bump.  This was only a 45 minute trip. 

The fifth…yes I said fifth bottle was Port…which I discovered tasted yummy with Chocolate Chip Cookies and other things. 

We got back to the hotel relatively safe. 

Sunday… we all looked like death on a soda cracker….it was a weekend like no other!

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